The Man Who Can't be Moved
by donnapie
Summary: Post S 11 Jackson and April: Japril and their bumpy journey back towards each other.
1. The End of the Beginning

_Going back to the corner where I first saw you_

 _Gonna camp in my sleeping bag, I'm not gonna move_

 _Got some words on cardboard, got your picture in my hand_

 _Saying if you see this girl can you tell her where I am_

* * *

She doesn't know if she's doing the right thing.

If leaving Jackson and resigning from Grey Sloan was the best solution.

But after months of hearing him say _"go"_ even if what she really wanted was to hear him say _"stay"_ , she finally came to realize that his ultimatum was more of a speech about how he's given up, rather than him voicing out his frustrations so that they can work their marriage out.

In the end, she can only beg and grovel and plead so much but his mind was already set, she was left with no other choice and so, she went.

No, not back to Jordan (she's through with that), nor to another war zone (the adrenaline rush has flattened out) but rather to a place where she can lick her wounds and start all over, in order to forget that she was left behind by the only man she's ever loved her whole life, _ever_.

In the beginning it was not that bad because the hunt for a new job and a new apartment was a welcome distraction.

After all, there were paper works to fill,requirements to complete and contractors to meet, but at night?

At night, the pain is so intense and their memories so vivid, It was that _devastating_ , she feels as if she has stopped breathing.

* * *

It was only Arizona who knows that she moved to Denver.

She was the only person she told because she doesn't have that many friends but she's glad that at least she has her.

"So, how's it going?"

She asked from the other end of the line when she was moving in and she was busy unpacking all her things, her call couldn't having had come at a much more unfortunate timing.

"Good. I'm good."

She replied.

Though her voice belies her words and the blonde can tell even from across the miles that she is anything but.

She chose to pretend that she didn't hear it though.

She focuses instead on telling her about all the things that are going on in Seattle.

However, habit is such a funny thing because without even thinking, the next words out of her mouth were all about Jackson and how he's been doing.

" - He's coping, you know. But now, he's always just angry or angrier or sometimes just plain mop-"

She caught herself midsentence and chastises herself for putting her foot in her mouth.

It was a little too late though.

The air of awkwardness between them was already so thick there was only dead silence when she finally stopped talking.

That is, until April started crying.

Great, heaving sobs that seemed to come from deep within her very soul that even if Arizona was just listening to her from her side of the world, it seemed to also grip her heart, it sort of also crushed her.

"Oh April, sweetheart, I- I didn't mean to! I'm sorry..."

She said.

Partly in sympathy and partly in embarrassment at being so tactless.

She sensed her trying to compose herself and she heard her trying to stifle her cries most probably in an attempted effort to appease her.

"M-M-Me too... I'm s-sorry... s-sooo sorry..."

She blurted.

And even though they were both apologetic for different things, April doesn't even have to put it in words, her friend had been there, Arizona already gets her.

* * *

It was already Autumn when Jackson heard from her again in the form of a letter.

No, not the kind that contains her regrets and thoughts and feelings, but in the form of a legal document from her lawyer that bears the title Divorce Agreement.

He almost lost it.

He knew that he was the one who sent her away and that he was an ass and he pushed her to go but goddammit, she hurt him too much, he knows of no other way, he can't bear to suffer through the hell of losing her over and over.

He just wanted her to be happy.

 _He just wanted to be happy._

But that doesn't stop him from expecting.

That one day, they would find their way back to each other, they would finally make it work, they can finally ride off into their happily ever after.

So, this?

This is like the final nail to the coffin that used to be called their marriage.

And he's not ready.

To see her neat scrawl and loopy signature stamped on those papers, but more so, to find her wedding ring enclosed in a pouch that she mailed alongside that of the letter.

It's unbecoming of an Avery, but he bawled like a bitchbaby.

He thought he was fine and that his life is going on swimmingly without her but seeing that ring made him feel like he was literally _dying_.

 _It's hers._

It's hers no matter what, but in a way it's also theirs and it's a reminder of happier times when there were elevator kisses and hooks for keys and leftover chicken for dinner.

That night, he fell asleep on the couch, dead drunk and clutching a bottle of whiskey.

Also, April's pillow from her side of the bed.

It still smells of her.

It still has the faint scent of her shampoo and he-

He-

 _He just fucking miss her._

* * *

Jo and Alex get married in the summer and everyone was there, even Cristina from Switzerland, including Ross who's tagging along beside her.

Everyone that is, _except_ April.

Still, that doesn't keep Jackson from hoping.

Instinctively, he finds himself swiveling his head every time the reception doors open.

He was dreading the moment that she arrives if ever she does decide to come, but there was also this bursting feeling of anticipation from his chest, this overwhelming emotion of excitement.

"She's not coming".

Arizona says casually as she slides into the seat next to him at the bar and it took all of his willpower to not let the smile that he had pasted on his face falter.

"Who?"

He replied nonchalantly before taking a shot from his glass.

He needed that, he needs the aid of liquid courage.

Arizona rolls her eyes at that.

The man may be drop dead gorgeous and a brilliant surgeon but a good actor he wasn't.

"You know who"

She said.

And he can't help but wonder how they came from _"babe"_ and _"sweetheart"_ to the point where people they both know can't even mention her name out loud whenever he's around them.

He nodded.

"How is she?"

He asked after a beat of silence.

He could almost kick himself for showing a sign of weakness but he can't help himself, he needs to know, he wants an answer.

"Fine"

She said curtly.

And just when he thought that was all he could get out of her, the next words out of the pediatric surgeon's mouth almost made him choke on his drink, it took his breath away.

"She's still in love with you."

She shrugs as if saying that is a given.

"She misses you badly but otherwise... she's fine".

He had to swallow the lump in his throat before he replied to her again otherwise he would have started crying.

"C-can you tell her the next time you talk that i said hi?"

She stares at him intently as if looking deep into his very soul before once again replying.

"No."

She said defiantly with an annoyed expression on her face.

His shock at her answer must have been evident on his face because the next time she speaks, she was a little bit nicer.

"Jackson, she's trying".

She holds his arm and modifies her tone to that of a mother talking to her errant children.

"She's trying to move on- to get over you, so don't keep her hoping. Look, i get it that she's wrong and she gets that she's wrong for shutting you out and going away and not prioritizing your marriage but that's her way of coping. Besides, you also didn't tell her. You didn't tell her how you're grieving and how you feel and how you needed her to be here and when you finally did, you didn't even give her a chance to explain and to make it up to you because you're just so scared to be hurt that you just gave up and pushed her away. She can't help-"

She stops.

"What? She can't help what?"

He asks.

Even if he's scared shitless of what she's going to say.

"She can't help but feel that you do this over and over. Just like that time when you gave her up and started sleeping with Stephanie after her pregnancy scare and again after she confessed her feelings to you when that bus exploded. She didn't even know what's going on and by the time she did, you were gone. So you see? This thing with you two? It's a cycle. You- you just can't keep on doing this to each other".

He felt as if he's been punched in the gut.

All along, he thought that he was the only one aggrieved but how many times had it been when he was the one who walked away on her and her feelings?

"She loves you Jackson. But you also hurt her and every time she hears about you, she hurts all over again".

He knows what Arizona meant.

He got a taste of that medicine when she went back to war.

It was the same kind of heartache, the kind that ate away at him until he was unsure of what kind of man he had become.

* * *

She got a job as a surgeon at a backroads hospital and though she loves the atmosphere and the people, unlike Grey Sloan, there was nothing exciting happening, nothing mind blowing.

So imagine her surprise, when in one cold day in December, she bumps into Jackson unexpectedly, her head buried in her charts, his chest stopping her from moving past a corner.

"April?"

He asked curiously.

He was gripping her shoulders and looking at her face and already, she felt her heart racing, her body reacting to his nearness.

"Wha- what are you doing here?"

Those were the first words out of her mouth.

Even if at the back of her mind what she really wanted to say was _"i'm so lonely without you, can we please start over?"_

But she said that countless number of times in the past and look where it got them.

And so she pretends.

"Wha-what brings you here?"

She repeated.

Licking lips that were suddenly dry, wiping palms on her pants that all at once turned sweaty.

"Foundation work"

He said slowly as if he was still in shock and there was a tiny part of her that felt regret that he was here for Harper Avery and not really to find her.

"And you? You work here?"

He turns to look around as if it was really his first time seeing the hospital and then he turns to look at her with that old familiar knit in his brow and she almost keeled over from the longing.

She nodded.

He looked disbelievingly at her as if he cannot comprehend how she went from wanting to go to war to working in a hospital that had more nurses than they had patients.

But then, there were a lot of things about her that he now doesn't understand and so he decided to just remain quiet.

"You-you look good."

She said.

Breaking the silence that was so unbearable, it almost suffocates her.

He blinks once and then twice as if unsure that she just said what she really did and so it took him quite awhile before he can formulate an answer.

"Thanks. You too."

And he means it.

Sincerely.

She is thinner and her hair is shorter but there was a new maturity to her face that seemed to give her more character.

He knows that she is beautiful but for awhile he seemed to have forgotten just how so _fucking beautiful_ she is that it is taking all of his willpower not to whisk her in his arms and ravage her right there in that hallway.

And yet, they just stood there in stiff silence.

Each of them not knowing what to say after all the small talk, despite the fact that there were so many words left unsaid and despite how there are so many things going on in their heads.

"Well... i have to go."

He decided to break the stalemate before he can make an even bigger fool out of himself (because doesn't he always when it comes to her?)

"I- I have a car waiting to take me back to the hotel and-"

"Would you like to grab a drink?"

She didn't know what possessed her.

To run the risk of once again getting rejected but she just wants to spend more time in his presence.

She just wants to forget that they are not anymore husband nor wife, that they're barely even friends because in reality, they are a lot closer now to not being anything at all but just two totally perfect strangers.

"I-I mean it's up to you -Or we cannot. It's just that I'm getting off in awhile and rather than being alone I thought it would just be better if i keep you company but it's perfectly okay for you to say no because it's like okay, like okayyyy, i'm just gonna stop talking nowwwww..."

She drifted off, having realized that she's rambling and he can't help but smile at that.

At the glimpse of the old April he knew and once loved (okay, _loves_ ), the one with the red notebook and the swimsuits for underwear and for awhile, he just wanted to believe that the past year didn't happen, to not think of consequences and what ifs and to just enjoy the moment even just for today, even just for this moment, even just for a little while.

"I'd love to."

He whispered before his head gets over his heart, before he can tell himself that he's once again giving her the chance to rip his emotions apart.

She looks up at him with twinkling, hopeful eyes.

"You do?"

She said breathlessly.

As if disbelieving that he would agree so easily when she was already bracing herself for soul crushing, embarrassing disappointment.

"Yep."

He said quickly before he can change his mind.

And the smile that lit up her face when she looked at him was validation enough that he's doing the right thing, maybe they can get over this, maybe they still have a fighting chance.

* * *

He doesn't even remember how they ended up here.

He cannot even recall how things have progressed from awkward silence to small talk to lengthy conversations of the past amidst shared laughter.

It felt good.

It felt good and nice and familiar that it's no wonder that one moment they were sitting in the bar of his hotel downstairs and the next they are pressed against the door of his room, lips melded together, hands clawing at each other.

There was a part of him that is still unsure if he's doing the right thing.

There was still that jaded side to him that is pretty damn sure that this will end up in nothing but disaster.

But then, there was the softness of April's flesh against his hand.

There was the warmth of her breath against his ear and her soft touch against his skin and there was no more room to think after that because all he can do was feel.

"You're so fucking beautiful"

He whispered as he lays her down and for a moment he could have sworn that there were tears in her eyes but then she reaches up to him and that thought was gone.

There was only the taste of her in his mouth and the heavenly pleasure of her skin against his skin and the sex was wild and rough and sweet and it took him sometime before he lets her find release because he just wants this moment to last.

"I love you Jackson"

She moans as she comes.

The words just rolling off instinctively from her lips and he immediately stiffens in her arms.

It was then that he saw that familiar look on her face.

That fucking expression of love and adoration which makes him feel so hopeful but also very scared and helpless and it was then that he realized that _this?_

 _That them?_

They can try and try but they will never be the same _them_ again.

"I love you, Jackson"

She whispers once again against his shoulder and he doesn't answer but instead he holds her tightly in his arms.

She falls asleep and the next morning he was gone.

It killed him to do it.

To slip out of her arms while she lies in peaceful slumber.

It pains him to walk away from her and to close that door behind him but he just do not know if he still has the capability to go through another goodbye.

He was badly crippled the first time.

He almost died the second time and he's pretty sure that he will not make it out alive if it happens again this time.

* * *

Life does go on as normal however, much to his surprise.

Sure, he's a little bit more miserable and there were days when he curses his mother for sending him off on a quest to be the savior of all tertiary hospitals, because if she didn't?

He would have never ran into April and he would never have known how much fuller her breasts are and how she's now using a different brand of shampoo that drives him even crazier than the last one and how her laugh still has the power to make him weak in the knees and that her touch still has that magic to turn him instantly insane with pure, unadulterated lust.

He doesn't tell anyone though.

About them meeting again and hooking up.

He wants to keep it for himself.

Mostly, because he wants to preserve the memory of their shared night together and also because he's pretty sure that his mom and Arizona and the rest of the girls will curse at him for being a coward despite all of his reasons because they will never _ever_ understand.

Anyway, it's been four months and life is (almost) back to usual.

He is out running and grabbing his cup of coffee at the local coffee shop, earphones in ear and humming along under his breath to a French song that's playing on his I-pod when he sees a girl mouthing something at him from her place beside him in line.

"J'aime cette chanson"

He whips his head around to check if she was talking to somebody else but then she gives a little laugh and pointed at him and that's when he takes off his earphones because there was no doubt anymore that she is talking to him.

"I'm sorry?"

He said.

Looking flustered and at a loss and she smiles a little more at his reaction and the surprise that seemed to be etched all over his face.

"I like that song too".

She tells him and he stares at her dumbfounded.

Mostly because it's been awhile since a pretty girl has flirted with him and honestly, because he doesn't know if he's even still got game.

But then she was pleasant and charming and so drop dead gorgeous, she looked as if she just stepped out of the pages of the summer catalogue of whatever Parisian equivalent there is of Abercrombie and Fitch.

"Chloe"

She extends her hand to him in a handshake and he took it silently and she arches her eyebrow at him as if she's waiting for his next move and that's when he realized that she's waiting for his name.

"Jackson"

He said.

And she nodded before repeating his name.

As if savoring the way it sounded on her lips before giving him another smile and a small wave right just in time when the barista shouted "Next!"

"Well, see you around Jackson."

She said.

And then she walks away but not before looking back at him and Jackson wonders to himself if indeed, she really will.

* * *

Chloe and him sort of run into each other all the time.

In that same coffee shop where they met and then at his local grocery store and then they started dating and he begins to remember again how it was to have fun and to just enjoy life.

She was simple and light and uncomplicated and he never shares with her the more serious stuff.

After all, she never asks which is all good because he just didn't think that he was ready for that.

"Have you ever been _that_ in love?"

She asks from out of the blue one lazy Sunday while they were watching the Notebook (her choice) and sharing a bowl of popcorn while lying snuggling on his couch.

It was just one question but instantly, he thinks about April.

April smiling.

April kissing him.

April laughing.

April telling her she'd go back to war.

And he almost didn't answer.

Not because he didn't want to but because he felt that whatever it is he says, it will not be an apt explanation for the depth of the love that he once felt for his now ex-wife.

"Once. Just - Once."

He whispered almost inaudibly.

And she looked as if she wanted to say something more but instead she just nodded in understanding.

He was thankful that she stopped at that.

He was grateful that she didn't prod.

He has not thought of his ex-wife for awhile, but just the fleeting thought of her is enough to make him want to break down in her arms.

* * *

Arizona finally gets a much needed break and she visits April in Denver.

She didn't know how much she missed her friend, not until she was there and they were finally talking, not over the phone this time but face to face and in the flesh.

It was during one of those nights when she was staying with her that she finally heard the words that she's been dreading.

It was the reality that she has long ago braced herself to face but when it finally came it still felt like a punch in her gut, it still stung like a resounding slap to her face.

"I just don't understand why you're still not dating!"

Arizona said with conviction.

She looked a little bit drunk on the wine that they have been sharing and April cannot help but laugh at her exaggerated pitying expression as she wrestles the bottle from within her tightly gripped fingers.

"Stop! I'm not even looking!"

She said in between bouts of laughter and Arizona rolled her eyes at that.

"So you'd just let him move on and have all the fun dating this French bimbo while you-"

April stares at her.

"What?"

She asked in a whisper.

Her voice trembling, all traces of laughter gone.

Arizona bites her lip and curses under her breath.

"Fuck! April- "

She hesitated.

Unsure if she should be the bearer of bad news while April looks patiently at her, nervously waiting.

"Jackson, he's- he's seeing someone."

"Oh."

She whispered.

She heard it the first time but she so badly wanted to believe that she just heard it wrong.

And so she puts up a strong front.

She pretends that she's okay with it and that it doesn't hurt, but her chin was already quivering, her heart already feels like it's being torn apart.

"I'm sorry April."

Arizona said sympathetically. She put her hand comfortingly over her shoulder and April felt tears dampen her cheeks but she still manages to look at her friend with a shaky smile.

"No. Don't. I'm- I'm glad you told me."

She said unconvincingly, but in a way she is.

Because maybe now she'd have a reason to hate him.

Because maybe now she can resent him for sleeping with her and then leaving without a word only to move on to screw some other girl.

She was not even mad that night when he was gone the next day.

Somehow, after what happened between them, she had this stupid belief that they just needed time and space and that when they're all healed, they will always come back to each other.

 _But this_?

This kills her hope and faith in them.

On the me and you and the even the things he don't like, he loves.

So screw him.

Screw Jackson Avery and his deadly green eyes that makes her want to drown herself in them.

"Jackson's a shithead."

She muttered under her breath and Arizona playing the role of loyal friend couldn't agree with her more.

But even that could not appease her.

Maybe she's doomed.

Maybe no matter what shitty things that shithead does, she's just fated to love him her whole life and then some more.

* * *

The moment that Arizona went back to Seattle, she buries herself in work.

She takes on extra shifts and she stays for 36 hours in the hospital, because it's better than thinking about Jackson, it's more ideal than staying awake at night and imagining if his new girlfriend can also make him smile the way that she can only do in the past.

At the end of the week, she was looking haggard.

The lack of sleep was already taking a toll on her, but damn it, she is a soldier and so she will do whatever it is that she must.

"Dr. Kepner"

The nurse behind her calls her name and she takes a moment to pause and turn to face her as she was doing her charts.

"New patient on bed 6, lacerations from broken glass, hand needs stitching".

She nodded.

"On it."

And she makes her way to the bed, barely even giving the patient a second glance as she sits down and introduces herself.

"My name is Dr. April Kepner, now, what do we have here?"

She mutters as she turns the masculine hand in her palms, her brow knitted in concentration as she examines the cut.

"Sgt. Kepner?"

Her patient seems quite unsure but she whips her head up at that.

It has been a long time since she's been called by that title.

It's been awhile since anybody has addressed her with Sgt. rather than Dr. and the man who just did was smiling gorgeously at her with his jet black hair and straight white teeth and dazzling, mesmerizing, to die for eyes and that handsome face is distracting her.

She looks at him with a confused expression.

He looks familiar and she's sure that they met when she was deployed but she just cannot place him no matter how hard she tries.

"Capt. Jake Montgomery"

He sticks out his good hand to her in a handshake and when she was still just looking at him all perplexed, he chuckles.

"The shampoo?"

And then she remembers.

How in during one of the most depressing days she's ever had while they were in the war zone, Hunt and her were lounging around just watching all the other soldiers open their care packages and then she unknowingly voiced out loud that she will kill for a bottle of shampoo.

"Oh my God!"

She exclaims. Her face breaking out in a smile as she recalls how he walked up to her wordlessly and just left a bottle of shampoo on their table.

"Gosh! That was like ages ago! How did you remember?"

He smiles back at her and she wonders how she could have ever forgotten such a gorgeous face although she knows that it's because at that time she has eyes for no one else but Jackson.

"How could i forget? You're the most beautiful thing in that God forsaken desert".

He said casually and she tucks her hair behind her ear consciously.

She's probably a mess with her unshaved legs and her dark circles that probably go on for days but he's making her feel pretty and it's just - it's just been a long time since anyone made her feel that way.

"So what will we do about my stupidity?"

He said teasingly as he waved his injured hand in front of her face.

"Oh! Oh."

She exclaims and she blushes as she starts treating his hand and he's making her feel like a schoolgirl in the throes of her first crush and she imagines all the ribbing that she'd get if this happened in Grey Sloan and if Cristina or Meredith was there.

(Except the crushing wouldn't probably even happen because Jackson will also probably be looking on at her with his grumpy face).

She can't help but give a bittersweet smile at the thought.

"So about that shampoo?"

Jake said from above her bowed head, breaking her out of her reverie.

"I don't normally just give such a treasure away so maybe, it's about time you pay me back with a coffee date?"

And she lifts up her head to look at him and he's just so confident and so charming and he looks so sincere, it didn't take much to convince her self that it's about damn time she sees other people, perhaps Capt. Jake Montgomery is just what she needs.

* * *

He's having a bad day.

With Chloe pressuring him to move in and with his mother yapping at his heels to be more involved in board matters, he's veritably about to explode.

" _Today is going to be a long day"_ he thought to himself as he entered the residents lounge.

He hangs his clothes but he was distracted by Alex, Maggie, Callie and Meredith who are sitting together and huddled together like a couple of school girls while looking over Callie's I-pad screen.

"What's going on?"

He asks casually.

They raised their head in unison when they noticed his presence and they all turned to look at each other as if he caught them doing a bad thing but he has no time for fun and games so he just walked over and grabs the I-pad from Callie even before any of them can do anything.

"Don't!"

Meredith exclaims but it was much too late.

It took a minute before the vision in front of him sank in.

There in all its glory was a photo of April wearing a pink bonnet and a pink scarf, her cheeks all red and flushed from the cold as she laughs and smiles delightfully.

 _And she was not alone._

She was looking lovingly at a guy who has his arms around her and they seemed so wrapped up in each other and the caption above the picture says that _April Kepner is in a relationship with Capt. Jake Montgomery_ and just reading those words makes Jackson feel as if he is being literally fucking _destroyed._

He returns the I-pad to Callie wordlessly.

He puts on his scrubs and then his blazer and then he opens the door without another word and Meredith nudges Alex and so he follows him.

"Man, you okay?"

He grabs his arm and Jackson laughs humorlessly.

"Sure. Why wouldn't I be?"

He shrugs his shoulders like he couldn't care less but then Alex mentions her name and he feels like his legs are giving in and so he sits in an empty gurney and he must have looked devastated because Alex sits beside him.

"She's in love with someone else, man"

He whispers.

"But you are too."

Alex replied.

And he lets out a hollow laugh and cradles his head in his hands and it took him a couple of seconds before he can look at Alex and give him a reply.

"Not really. _Not like this_. _Not like her._ "

And he knows of no other way to console him but through patting his shoulder.

"Who knows? Maybe she isn't either?"

Jackson shakes his head.

"She looks happy. She looks like she's finally at peace and she looks like she's happy and she- she loves him and -"

His voice breaks.

"- and I love her. I still fucking very much love her."

He says despite the lump in his throat and damn if it does not feel good to say it.

To let the words out that he's been too scared to say but this heart break is not worth it and he realizes that if it was still true to this very day after three and a half years and two break ups, then he is being unfair to Chloe and to any other girl that he'd have a relationship with.

He'd never love anyone else with the same intensity and the same passion.

He'd never love anyone else the way he does April.

How could he when she already have half of his heart, when that part of him is already hers and not anymore his for him to give.


	2. The Beginning of The End

The break up with Chloe was inevitable after his moment of epiphany.

Sure, there was a lot of screaming and tears and name calling but he knows that it's better to hurt her now rather than when it's too late, he's learnt his lesson with Stephanie, he's not going back down that road again.

"Did you ever really love me?"

Chloe asked him through her tears and he just stood there holding her in silence.

He doesn't think he could answer.

Well, not because he didn't (because to be honest, in some way he did) but rather because he knows that she was more invested in him than he ever was about her and he just didn't want anymore to lie to her.

It was just that he knows now that love is supposed to be this overwhelming, all consuming, life altering thing.

It's supposed to make him want to stand up in the middle of a sermon while she's getting married to another man in front of an altar.

It's supposed to make him want to shelter her from all of life's pain like their kid dying or the ugliness of war.

It's supposed to make him want to forgive and forget and take her back even if years had passed and he's scared shitless and despite the fact that she's ripped his heart to shreds that he doesn't even know if he still has enough.

Even if it hurts.

Even if it burns his life to the ground.

Because he knows what it's like to live a life without her and he knows that it was stupid to walk away to protect himself when being without her hurts just as much.

Chloe will never ever be that.

 _There was only April._

And he knows he's doing the right thing just realizing that.

* * *

"Four years is a long time, it's about damned time."

His mother said when he called her.

He was expecting her to be discouraging and to give him a piece of her mind but much to his surprise, she seems to be fully supportive of his plan as if she was just waiting all these years for this moment to come.

There was a moment of pause from her though.

He knows his mother well enough to know when she wants to say something.

He rolls his eyes through the phone because he knows that it was too good to be true that his mother doesn't have an opinion on _anything._ (Moreso, especially, his life.)

"C'mon, mom. Spill."

He heard her clear her throat before speaking.

"Just don't do this all over. This will be the last time, Jackson Avery! I don't think I can stand to see you looking so miserable for years before you realize that you two are meant to be."

He felt tears pricking his eyes but he still managed to let out a little smile from his end of the line.

"C'mon mom. Didn't I tell you?"

He said softly.

"She's the one. I just sort of forgot and it just took me sometime to remember that."

And he doesn't know what made her cry but he heard her sniffling on the other end and then she lets out a sigh.

"You make me proud."

She said tenderly.

"What do you expect? Whose son am I?"

He replies.

And then they both laugh and Jackson couldn't help but thank his lucky stars that he has her on his side.

* * *

It was during one of their dates when April comes clean to Jake about her secret.

They were in the middle of dinner and he calls her " _babe_ " and she remembers Jackson and she feels guilty all of a sudden about how she has never shared that she used to be somebody else's wife.

She doesn't know why.

Maybe because a part of her still wants to keep that memory sacred or maybe because talking about it still reminds her of Samuel.

"Can I tell you something?"

She asks.

He looks up from cutting his steak.

His eyebrow raised inquisitively at the graveness of her tone and so she went ahead before she loses her nerve.

"I was married."

He just stares at her for awhile before giving a shrug and going back to the meal on his plate.

"I know."

And it was her turn to stare at him, her eyes as big as saucers.

"YOU DID?"

He looked at her with a sheepish smile.

"That sparkler that you used to wear was hard to miss."

He wipes his lips with a napkin and he looked at her with an embarassed grin.

"But I liked you since the first time I saw you and I just grabbed the opportunity. I saw you again, you were not wearing it anymore and I thought it was fate telling me something and so I took my chances."

She looked at him curiously.

"And you didn't ask me about it?"

He takes a sip from his wineglass.

"Figured it was a bad break up."

He shrugs.

"Or it was not that serious. I didn't want to pressure you and i wanted to give you space and so I didn't."

"But it was serious. _Very_."

She blurted out.

 _Adamantly_.

As if it was that important for him to understand that what she had with Jackson was not a shallow, fleeting thing.

"Oh?"

It was his turn to look shocked.

But it was as if a dam had broken inside her.

The words spill unconsciously from her lips and she was surprised at how it still hurts despite the passing of so many years.

"We even had a kid but then he- he- died and I had to go away and- and- I was hurting too much and I just cannot explain how i needed to be far from him and-"

"April"

"It was all my fault really. I just thought he'd always be there but then he didn't wait and he just gave up and-"

"APRIL!"

He cuts her off midsentence.

She didn't even notice when he put his hand over hers or when she started crying.

"It doesn't matter."

He said tenderly.

"It's all in the past."

He whispered as he wipes her tears with his thumb away.

"I'm here now. It doesn't matter anymore. You have me now."

And she nods because she knows that that was supposed to give her some kind of consolation and yet ironically she still feels lost, she still feels this hungry pang in her heart.

* * *

There was a skiing accident in the lodge near the hospital and they were short on doctors so she was on duty for 48 hours.

She missed it.

She missed the adrenaline and the rush of a fully packed E.R. and that triumphant feeling of being able to save lives through quick and swift decision making.

But she was also dead tired.

So tired that she wanted nothing more but a bath and then to sleep probably for a day or even just a couple of hours.

She was going home and walking towards her car ready to do just that when she saw him.

 _Jackson._

He was leaning against the hood of an SUV looking so goddamn sexy in his trademark jeans and grey sweater and -

 _Dammit._

 _Here she goes again, goddamit._

He lifts his head up and they stare at each other.

But she pretends that she didn't see him and so she continues walking.

"April!"

She heard him calling out to her and she quickens her steps even if her instinct tells her to turn around and run into his arms, no matter the consequences.

 _But how dare him come back here after all these years._

 _How dare him come back just now when she's convinced herself that they're over and she has Jake and when they had so many chances in the past and yet he just walked away even if she's apologized a million times for all of her mistakes._

"Apes!"

"WHAT?"

She whirls around and she almost fell.

She didn't notice that he was so close, his body was pressed right against her.

"What do you want?"

She exclaims.

And he looks- well, _hot and sexy_ but that is not what's important but the anger that was rising in her chest.

"If you're here for foundation work, i'm off duty! No! Screw that! I don't even care why you're here just don't- don't talk to me!"

"April, just - listen-"

He tries to touch her arm but she shakes his hand off.

She opens her car and gets inside and he knocks on her window still calling her name.

"April, let's just talk, I-"

She takes a deep breath and opens the window.

"No! Just go back to Seattle, Jackson - Just - please- just - stop!"

And the second he takes a step back from her car, she drives away.

She has no idea if she did the right thing.

If she should have given him a chance and listened to what he has to say.

Still, no matter what, she thinks she'll still be pulling her car on a shoulder.

She'd still be crying her eyes out and feeling her heart break, she should be used to it by now, he always had the worst timing, everything has changed but that seemed to have remained the same.

* * *

He has no idea what he's doing.

He knows he's coming off strong and he hates pulling out the Avery card for favors but he has no choice as he's been following her around for days and still, she wouldn't even look at him.

Of course, he's not stupid to think that she will just be waiting.

Fuck.

He even knows that she's dating that metrosexual asshole but that wouldn't stop him from fighting for them and _trying_.

(He's given up too quickly many times without doing that in the past and maybe they wouldn't be in this mess if only he did.)

The moment that she opens the door to his office and sees him sitting behind the desk, she rolls her eyes at him.

"Ugh! I should have known that it was you when they said that someone needs to speak with me from the board!"

She turns around but he quickly stands up and grabs her arm even before she can take another step and walk away.

"Please April, give me an inch. I'm desperate here."

He said sincerely.

Pouring out all the Avery charm and hoping that it works and thanking (her) God when it did when she paused a couple of seconds to look intently at him before throwing her hands up in surrender.

"I don't owe you anything, Jackson."

He nodded.

"I know."

She closes her eyes and sighs.

"Please- just go back to Seattle - Just-"

"I'm going to be staying here."

He lets that sink in.

"In Denver."

She opens her eyes at that.

"Wh-what?"

She said breathlessly.

"I have hospital work to do for the foundation and I have to stay until it is completed."

She squints her eyes at him and her next words broke his confidence, it sort of destroyed him.

"I hope you didn't come here for me? It's much too late for that."

And he didn't know how to answer her because how can he tell her that he's here for just exactly that - HER.

Maybe he shouldn't have been so rash.

Maybe he should have thought this through.

Maybe he really shouldn't have come.

* * *

"It's not funny!"

April exclaims over the sound of Arizona's laughter on the phone when she told her.

"I just can't believe that his urgent issue is you when he filed for that leave. Avery's finally growing a pair, good for him!"

She groans.

"Some friend you are! I don't even know what to do, i'm dying here!"

Arizona scoffs.

"It's pretty obvious! Talk to him!"

"But i hurt him! I hurt him and he hurts me and we're toxic for each other-"

"And it's pretty obvious that you also couldn't live without one another!"

She chews on her lip and paces the length of her room.

She knows that Arizona is making sense but damn, if she will admit that.

"Aren't you even curious as to what he has to say?"

Her friend says from the other end of the line.

And she doesn't want to acknowledge it _but she is._

All throughout their stormy, short relationship, they've never really had the chance to talk and process and just thresh out all of their feelings.

Everything was always in a rush.

First, the sex, then the break up, then the elopement and then the pregnancy.

Then their son died and they were always just walking on eggshells around each other most especially when the going gets tough.

They were just so in love that they were scared to lose each other and maybe-

Maybe that's where it all went downhill.

They didn't want to hurt each other but unknowingly they still did.

Maybe even more than they were afraid to and for once, _just this once,_ she would love to scream and yell at him to make him understand that she did what she had to do so that she can be herself again for him.

For the sake of their marriage.

She was a shell of the person she once was when their son died.

She lost her sense of self.

Her purpose.

Not as one half of Jackson and April but just _her_.

She wants to make him comprehend that she had to go through that whole journey to make herself whole again.

She needed to do that to be able to survive because otherwise, she would have literally just _died_.

Sure, she might have gone about it all wrong but he was also at fault for shutting her out and for never sharing his feelings.

And when he finally did?

It was because he already made up his mind that he was walking away.

Even if she told him it was for the last time.

Even if she begged.

It was him or go and she cannot choose but there was no changing his mind.

And she's through with this shit.

She's through with carrying the burden of being the selfish, uncaring bitch who initiated the demise of their marriage when they both know that they both had a hand in it.

"Argh! I could just kill him! I'm soooo mad at him!"

She exclaims.

And Arizona chuckles.

But on the other hand, she's experienced the same thing and so she sympathizes with the frustration she feels.

"Then be mad!"

She said and then she spoke again, her tone all serious this time.

"But April, if you're still feeling this intensely about him after all these years don't you think that means something? Don't you think you both deserve this chance?"

And she can only sigh because deep inside she knows.

She knows she makes a valid point.

She knows she's saying the right thing.

* * *

They worked on a case together and it was awkward.

Him, trying to make small talk in the middle of surgery and her, ignoring him as usual.

But gradually, they fell into this comfortable rhythm.

This one of a kind synchronicity that can only be possible since they've worked countless of times so closely together and by the end of it, she was a little bit less on edge around him, she lets her guard down unconsciously, she wasn't even thinking about it.

"What can I say? You're still pretty awesome."

He said with his signature drop dead smile as they stand shoulder to shoulder in the operating room sink, washing the blood and guts out of their hands and he just looked so sincere that she had no other choice but to answer.

"Thanks. You were too."

And he looked so happy and pleased that she almost smiled back at him.

They stood again in silence.

The air heavy with things that he wanted to say and so he opens his mouth before he loses this chance, most especially his nerve.

"How about we celebrate? Maybe a bottle of beer, just for old times sake?"

But maybe he was too hasty because she literally glares at him.

"I have plans."

She said.

And he can't help the look of annoyance that crossed over his face.

"With your _boyfriend_?'

He asked.

And he knows he sounds sarcastic but fuck it, he's jealous and so he can't help himself.

"If you must know, yes. But i think we're way past that stage where we share little tidbits about our lives with each other."

She shots back and that was enough to make him back off a little.

After all, he's made this much progress.

After all, she's finally acknowledging that he's there.

"Maybe next time?"

 _Dammit, he has to try._

She stares at him.

"The last time we did, we had sex, i told you i love you and you left without saying goodbye."

She said casually and _shit if that didn't sting._

She sighs and closes her eyes.

"See? This is why you shouldn't talk to me! There are so many things I want to say to you and none of them are nice and this is not the place for me to be cursing at you and-"

"You want to curse at me?"

He said with a hurt look on his face.

"God Jackson! You're so dense! I hate you!"

And the words echo in his head as he stood there watching her remove her cap then throw her scrub off and then she gives him another dirty look before she walks away.

* * *

"I'm done, mom. It's over. She hates me."

He said as he talks to his mother on Facetime.

"You think she really does? She's just saying that!"

Catherine Avery scoffs while peering at him over the top of her glasses.

He rolls his eyes.

"You didn't see her face!"

And he sort of regrets that he put her on video when he could have just called her when she saw the look of disappointment on her face.

"For goodness sake Jackson! You're an Avery! We just don't give up! Besides you think she is not affected at all with your presence when she said that you look _hot_?"

He knits his eyebrow at that.

He presses his face closer to the monitor and there was no mistaking the uncomfortable look on her mothers face.

"Mother, what do you mean?"

He said sternly and for the first time in his life he saw his mother blush.

"Well, i might have given her a call and-"

"MOMMMM!"

He shouted in protest and she looked proudly back at him.

"What? You know i meddle! So, don't you dare not have April with you when you get back, i'm not standing for your moping for another minute!"

And he can't help but smile at that.

 _April said he looks hot._

That must count for something, he has never hoped harder for his mother to be right.

* * *

She's having the most terrible week.

Jake and her had this most dreadful fight over marriage and how he wants it but she doesn't.

Not the husband nor the house, not the white picket fence and most especially not the children. (Heaven forbid, children).

Of course somewhere along the way, he blames it all on Jackson.

Jackson whom he calls a stalker because he's out to get her,.

Jackson whom he's convinced she's still in love with and deep inside she realizes that he's right but she's just so freaking scared to even give that thought the time of day and so she decides to shut it out.

Besides, she hasn't even seen him for a week.

She knows it's stupid that she misses him after all that she's done to him but still, she can't help but hide a smile during lunch when he drops in on a chair unceremoniously in front of her and he puts a bowl of her favorite pudding without a word on her half empty tray.

"Hi."

He said.

And he can't help the wide grin that spread on his face when she said "hi" back quietly.

For awhile, they ate in silence.

Each of them lost in their own thoughts as they ate their food and looked at CNN playing on the cafeteria TV.

"Was it hard?"

He asks.

And she looks at him curiously before understanding that he's talking about the army which is now what's flashing on screen.

She doesn't know what changed.

She doesn't know why she now wants to talk to him.

Lord knows she's still pissed but maybe she's worked off much of her anger or maybe it was because she felt empty when she didn't see him for a week.

(Or maybe it was because it was the first time that he asks her about her enlisting without being mad or making her feel guilty, as if he really wanted to understand why she wanted to do just what she did).

She nodded.

"It was. But in a way it was also fulfilling."

He stares.

"Did you like it?"

And the look that passed over her face lets him know just how much, even moreso when she started talking about it animatedly.

"Did you like it more than you loved me?"

She stops talking and stares at him.

That came out of nowhere and his throat feels tight, he knows she feels the same because she averted her gaze and she is blinking her eyes rapidly.

"April, did you like it more than you loved me?"

He prods.

And he thought that she wouldn't answer but she gives him a bittersweet smile and then she answered faintly.

"No. But I had to go _because I love you._ I had to go because I wanted to give you all of me and not just the shadow of the girl I used to be."

And he was glad they were in public.

He regrets that he didn't ask her then, it was so unfair, it was enough to make him want to shout and scream.

* * *

They fell into an uneasy truce after.

He texts her for tips on places where to go in Denver and she buys him latte and leaves it at his desk, sometimes even with a joking note about how much it's starting to cost her.

They were not exactly back where they started but they were starting to know each other again.

 _And it was okay._

Unlike before, he was not in a rush, he was just leaving it to fate and enjoying the process.

It was after two months and one of those long meetings that they had when he finally got the nerve to ask her her plans for the weekend.

He was expecting her to say that she would be out on a date but then she surprises him when she said that she'd just be staying at home and grilling some steaks, and he wishes he can invite her out but as far as he knows she's still seeing someone else and he doesn't want to run the risk of disappointment.

"And you?"

She asked, looking at him curiously while simultaneously stacking some folders.

He looks at her sheepishly.

"Probably watching a rerun of NBA. I don't have any friends here except you, so -"

"Would you like to come over?"

She suddenly blurted.

Probably because he looked so pitiful but maybe because she's trying to convince herself that they're friends and there was no harm in inviting a friend over. ( _"Yeah, right"_ she can just imagine Arizona saying).

He can't stop the grin that spread all over his face when he said yes and for the rest of the week, he can't stop smiling.

He doesn't want to read too much into it.

He doesn't want to think that it is a date but he can't help but expect because _fuck it, h_ _e's just head over heels in lo_ _ve with her._

* * *

So, Sunday came despite the fact that he thought it never will.

He must have changed his clothes twenty times and he spent sleepless nights just thinking if he'd bring flowers or wine but he doesn't want to appear eager and so in the end, he went with wine.

He was glad he took the effort though because she opened the door looking amazing.

She was wearing this sleeveless, white summer dress and she had her hair high up in a bun and he swears that if he wasn't even half this in love with her as he is now, he had no doubt that he would probably be just right about now.

They sat down to dinner and it was delicious as always.

The conversation was free and flowing and they talked about work and the people that they both know in Seattle and she looked at ease and comfortable and he wonders to himself if she's done this too many times with the man that she's now dating.

 _Dammit, the man she's dating._

"I'm surprised James is okay with me being here."

He said casually.

He doesn't want to come across as if he's fishing and she was quiet for awhile that he had to look at her to see if she's even listening.

"You mean Jake?"

And she lets out this nervous chuckle.

"I didn't tell him."

"Oh."

And it was his turn to turn quiet, he wants them to start on a clean slate not for her to keep him like he's some sort of a sordid, dirty secret.

"I don't have to. We broke up."

She said, breaking the silence and he knows that it's foolish to think that it was because of him but damn, if this was not the best news he's ever had in years.

"Why?"

He holds his breath while waiting for her answer.

"Well, because he wanted some things that I just cannot give him".

"Like?"

She shrugs.

"Like marriage and the likes."

And he wanted to jump up and shout at the top of his lungs, this sort of keeps his spirits up, she breaks up with the jerk who wanted marriage, but he's here sitting with her - the bastard who walked away, the one who didn't even try to salvage their marriage.

"So what about you? Why did you break up with the French Girl?"

Her question came out of the blue and it sort of flustered him but she was pretty honest with him and that makes him also want to come clean.

"I realized she was not I wanted."

And she looks at him because his gaze was boring into her skin and she feels her heart racing and she wanted to stop him even before he can say anything.

"Jackson-"

"I wasn't planning on being in a relationship. I was lonely and she was there and it happened -"

She glares at him.

"Like you walking away after having sex with me?"

He squints and looks at her as if she's grown two heads and then he throws his hand up in the air.

"God April, that was a totally different thing!

And she looks at him belligerently and he remembered how they used to fight like this.

Fights where he'd say something and she'd totally misconstrue it and then he'd shut her out and they'd eventually make up after sweeping it under the rug but at the end, they really weren't able to talk about anything.

And he doesn't want to do that again and so he calms himself down.

"Just- just let me finish, okay?"

She looked as if she didn't want to let it go but then she must have thought better of it because eventually she just nods and takes a sip of wine from her glass.

"I was scared of you, okay?"

She bows her head and doesn't look at him.

"You made me feel so many things that I haven't felt before and only you can hurt me so much. Losing Samuel killed me as much as it did you and when you left, it was as if you left me all alone, you abandoned me."

She looked at him then.

"Jackson -"

He gazed at her imploringly.

"You kept me waiting and I got tired and I had to leave before you could hurt me further but now I realize how stupid that is!"

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

"That night that we made love, i was as in love with you as you were with me."

And when he opens his eyes again her eyes were filled with tears.

"But i was an idiot and though it pains me to say that, i guess what i'm trying to say is- i broke up with Chloe because she was not you. I couldn't love anyone else as much as i do you."

And she covers her mouth and lets out this little sob and he walks up to her as she cries and he gathers her in her embrace.

"I thought you've given up. I wanted to make it up to you after I came back from Jordan but then you moved out."

She said like a little girl in between sobs.

"And -and you didn't even listen when I was trying to explain and you always had to make your own decisions about us - and- and i really have no say, you leave me with no other choice once you've made up your mind."

"I was stupid, i'm sorry sweetheart."

He whispered against her hair and she cries even more at that old familiar nickname.

"I don't want to hurt you again"

She said, her voice muffled against his shirt.

"But you will and I will so we'd let it hurt."

She pushes him away to look at him.

"And if it's hard?"

He gives her a tender smile.

"Then it's hard."

He crouches down so that her eyes are leveled with him.

"If it's painful, it's painful. If it's sad, it's sad. Let's just love each other."

He paused to let that sink in.

"Together, April. No more running away."

She nods vehemently.

"Let's just love each other, no more running away."

She repeated his words reverently and throws her arms around his neck while crying happy tears, they've wasted so many years, it doesn't matter now, they have forever to start all over again.

* * *

He wakes up to find her all pressed up against him on his side of the bed.

Her face inches away from his, her breath hot against his mouth.

 _She's here._

He had dreamt about this so many times when they were apart and now that it's happening, he can't believe that she's really here.

But in a way, he also can.

After all there was no other place where she belongs but in his arms.

For awhile, he just watches her as she sleeps.

At the way her lashes fan against her cheeks and the way her hair splays all over his arms.

"Hi."

He whispers when she finally opens her eyes.

"Hi."

She whispered back.

A faint blush was starting to creep up on her cheeks and he can't help but chuckle at how she still acts embarrassed the morning after they make love.

She hides her face by snuggling his neck.

"You're here."

She sighed against him.

As if she was readying herself not to see him beside her when she finally wakes.

He knows that they've only scratched the surface last night and that they need to spend time to build up each others trust but he wanted to let her see that he's in it for the long haul, that he'll always be there for her even if she doesn't ask.

"There's nowhere else i'd rather be."

He answers.

She grins at that, her fingers tracing his eyebrow as if memorizing his face.

"What made you change your mind?"

He asks.

And she makes this familiar face as if asking him what he means.

"This? Us."

And she pauses as if she was thinking hard about it before looking at him pensively.

"Because I love you and because we've been hurt and mad enough."

And she didn't need to say anymore, her reason may sound silly but he totally understands.

"We have to go to work."

She said after awhile.

And he groans and holds her closer and he replies by squishing her even tighter in his embrace.

"Do we have to?"

He says, pressing sexy kisses all over her shoulders and her nape and her eyes were fluttering close and he's making it hard for her to even think straight.

"Jackson- "

She moans in protest although it sounded like it's taking a lot from her to do just that.

"They'd be waiting -"

She said again, her voice now a little bit fainter, her objection slowly becoming softer.

"Let them."

He said gruffly as he crushes his lips roughly against hers.

And there was no more protesting after that.

How could she when she's always wanted him, including the time when she thought she hated him.

* * *

It doesn't take much to convince her to move back to Seattle.

It was as if she never left, she now knows that this is home, her heart will always be here no matter where life takes her.

They visit Samuel for the first time together that weekend.

She's always avoided it in the past.

It was hard and heartbreaking but it's a little easier now, she can now accept that this was not her fault, or Jackson's, and that somehow what happened just really had to happen.

She was lost in her own thoughts when Jackson weaves their fingers together

She looks down at their entwined hands and then at him and there was a sadness in his face that she is seeing for the first time and she was just grateful that they were with each other.

"I thought that you'd forgotten when you left."

He said breaking the silence.

She gives him a wistful smile and then she squeezes his hand a little tighter.

"I tried. But I couldn't even if I wanted to. How could I?"

She sighs and leans her head against his shoulder.

"I've always kept that sonogram of him. Somehow I can't bring myself to throw it away."

She pauses.

"Our wedding picture too."

She says quietly and she felt him taking a shaky breath.

"I'm still keeping your wedding ring."

He said tenderly.

And she whips her head up in surprise and the look of love on his face was so raw and real and intense, it was enough to take her breath away.

"Jackson-"

He shrugs sheepishly.

"You know just in case, we got married again."

And she can only look at him without saying a thing.

"But you said you're through with that so -"

"Not if it's you."

She cuts him off and it was his turn to look at her wordlessly.

"Only if it's you."

* * *

They got married again in Tahoe that October.

This time it was not just the two of them, they had family and friends and there were laughter and tears.

Best of all, no one said a peep when it came to the part where the pastor asks if anyone objects.

She can't help but wonder if it was normal to be this joyful and this happy and she didn't think it was possible to love Jackson even more but she falls for him every single day.

Maybe they really had to go what they went through.

Maybe they really had to forget so that they can remember all over again.

That love isn't just in the feelings and the words they say.

That it was in going the distance and in the sharing of everyday, simple things.

And she was just grateful.

That he waited.

That he trusts her.

That he gave her the chance to start over again.

They were such in a hurry in the past that they didn't even have time to think.

But now they can take it slow.

They have all the time in the world and as the pastor says _"You may kiss the bride" ,_ she looks up at Jackson.

There was no more fear.

There was only the promise of tomorrow, of looking forward to the future, of being each other's everything.

* * *

 _'Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,_

 _And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,_

 _Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,_

 _And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street._

* * *

 ** _Authors note:_**

 _This was supposed to be a one shot but i read Shonda's interview that April will still enlist despite Jackson's ultimatum on S12 so i changed some things around and so it has now become a 2 parter._

 _Comments are love, hit the comment box let me know what you think._

 _PS: If you're reading my work for the first time do check out my other Japril ff's and leave a comment!_


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